In our attempts to be supportive, we sometimes say things that can come across as patronising or dismissive, despite our best intentions.
The line between encouragement and condescension can be thin, and it’s important to be aware of how our words might be interpreted by those on the receiving end. Here are 20 phrases that might sound supportive on the surface, but can actually be quite condescending.
1. “You’re so brave for trying.”
While meant to be encouraging, this basically implies that the person’s effort is surprising or that success is unexpected. It can make the person feel like their attempt is being viewed as a long shot rather than a genuine pursuit.
2. “I’m proud of you for doing the bare minimum.”
This backhanded compliment suggests that the person’s standard performance is subpar. It sets a low expectation and can be demoralising, even if the intent is to acknowledge improvement.
3. “You’re too smart to be making these mistakes.”
This phrase implies that intelligence should prevent all errors, which is unrealistic and puts undue pressure on the person. It fails to recognise that mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
While meant to express empathy, this statement can come across as dismissive of the person’s unique experience. It’s better to acknowledge that while you may have had similar experiences, everyone’s feelings are personal and valid.
5. “You’re overthinking this.”
This phrase can invalidate someone’s concerns or anxiety. It suggests that their thought process is flawed, rather than acknowledging that their worries might be legitimate.
6. “It could be worse.”
While intended to provide perspective, this phrase minimises the person’s current struggles. It fails to acknowledge the validity of their feelings and can make them feel guilty for being upset.
7. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
This dismissive statement implies that the person’s current perspective is invalid due to their age or inexperience. It shuts down conversation and fails to respect their current understanding.
8. “I’m surprised you managed to do that.”
This backhanded compliment implies a lack of faith in the person’s abilities. It suggests that their success is unexpected, which can be demoralising rather than encouraging.
9. “Let me explain this in simpler terms.”
Unless specifically requested, this phrase suggests that the person is incapable of understanding complex ideas. It can come across as patronising, especially if simpler terms weren’t necessary.
10. “You’re doing well… for a beginner.”
The qualifier at the end of this statement negates the compliment. It implies that their performance is only good within a limited context, rather than being genuinely praiseworthy.
11. “I’m just trying to help.”
Often used when someone reacts negatively to unsolicited advice, this phrase shifts blame to the recipient. It implies that they should be grateful for the ‘help’, regardless of whether it was wanted or useful.
12. “You’ll get there eventually.”
Source: Unsplash While meant to be encouraging, this phrase can imply that the person’s current efforts are inadequate. It suggests a long, difficult journey ahead, which can be discouraging rather than motivating.
13. “I told you so.”
Source: Unsplash This phrase, even when true, is never supportive. It prioritises being right over being helpful and can make the person feel belittled for their mistake.
14. “You’re lucky to have this opportunity.”
Source: Unsplash While gratitude is important, this phrase can diminish the person’s hard work or qualifications. It implies that their success is due to chance rather than merit.
15. “It’s not rocket science.”
Source: Unsplash This phrase belittles someone’s struggles with a task by implying it should be easy. It fails to recognise that different people find different things challenging.
16. “You’re too sensitive.”
Source: Unsplash This dismissive statement invalidates someone’s emotional response. It suggests that their feelings are an overreaction, rather than acknowledging that emotions are personal and valid.
17. “I’m playing devil’s advocate.”
Source: Unsplash Often used to present a controversial opinion, this phrase can be frustrating when someone is seeking support. It prioritises debate over empathy and understanding.
18. “You should be grateful.”
Source: Unsplash While gratitude is beneficial, telling someone they should feel grateful can come across as dismissive of their current struggles or feelings.
19. “You’re not alone.”
Source: Unsplash While intended to provide comfort, this phrase can minimise individual experiences. It’s important to acknowledge that even if other people have similar experiences, each person’s journey is unique.
20. “It’s just a phase.”
Source: Unsplash This dismissive statement suggests that the person’s feelings or experiences are temporary and therefore less valid. It fails to acknowledge the real impact of what they’re going through in the present moment.
