You can’t have a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
The tough part is, it can manifest in a variety of ways, so spotting it is often tough — especially in yourself. However, if you find yourself saying these things to the people in your life you’re meant to be closest to, you have a lot of work to do in the emotional availability department.
1. “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
You think you’re just being upfront and honest, but this could be a huge red flag for emotional unavailability. While it’s perfectly valid to not want a serious relationship, repeatedly using this line across different situations points to a deeper issue. Whether you’re a commitment-phobe or you still haven’t healed from past relationship trauma, there’s definitely more than meets the eye here, and it’s important to explore and deal with it if you ever want to have deep relationships.
2. “I don’t like to talk about my feelings.”
Sure, not everyone loves waffling on about the deepest workings of their mind and heart, but you have to be willing to share your feelings if you want to get (or remain) close to people. Being unwilling to go there with people proves that you have an avoidant personality type (and attachment style, potentially) and that you’re not in touch with your emotions.
3. “You’re overthinking things.”
Dismissing someone’s thoughts or feelings is a form of emotional avoidance. You don’t want to get deep, so you don’t want them to because then there will be no way out. Even if the other person does tend to overanalyse, being unwilling to hear them out points to your emotional unavailability, not their issues with overthinking.
4. “I’m fine.”
The use of “I’m fine” as a default response, particularly when it’s clear that something is wrong, is a classic sign of emotional unavailability. It acts as a barrier that keeps people from understanding your true emotional state. Maybe you can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable, or you don’t want to burden anyone. Either way, all this does is shut people out and keep them at a distance.
5. “Why do we need to label things?”
While it’s true that not every relationship needs a label, consistently avoiding clarity in relationships can be a sign of emotional unavailability. This one often comes up when someone is looking for more commitment, and you’re not feeling it or simply aren’t sure you can handle it. It keeps the emotional distance but also keeps the other person on the hook, and that’s not fair.
6. “I don’t need anyone else to be happy.”
It’s good to be self-sufficient, but if you’re scared of relying on or letting other people in, you’re doing yourself a major disservice. It’s healthy to find happiness within, but humans are inherently social creatures who benefit from connections with other people. It’s not just okay to let people be there for you, it’s important that you do.
7. “I’m just not good at relationships.”
This is a blanket excuse for not putting effort into emotional connections. It can be a way of lowering other people’s expectations and avoiding responsibility for your behaviour in relationships. You clearly have a fixed mindset about your emotional capabilities and don’t believe you can improve or change, and this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It means you’ll never work on changing things, and therefore things will always stay the same.
8. “You’re too sensitive.”
Dismissing someone’s emotions as oversensitivity is a clear sign of emotional unavailability. Plus, it invalidates the other person’s feelings and experiences. You’re using it as a defence mechanism to avoid getting emotional because it makes you uncomfortable, but it just makes you seem like you lack empathy and emotional maturity.
9. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
On the surface, this might seem considerate, but it can often be a way to avoid deeper emotional commitment. It’s used as a reason not to pursue a romantic relationship, even when you’re just as attracted to the other person as they are to you. You’re clearly afraid of the vulnerability that comes with romantic relationships, and you prefer to keep things platonic, i.e. distant. You’re really missing out!
10. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”
This is genuine sometimes, of course, but it can also be a sign of emotional unavailability when you use it time and time again. It sends the message that you think you have to reach a certain point in life before being “ready” for emotional commitment. However, this “readiness” is often an illusion. You need to think about what “ready” means and whether it’s being used as a perpetual excuse to avoid emotional vulnerability.
11. “I don’t believe in love.”
Do you really not believe in love, or are you just emotionally unavailable? You’ve either been hurt badly before or you’re just disillusioned, and that’s fair enough. Maybe you’ve experienced some serious heartbreak or had childhood trauma that made it hard for you to feel positively about relationships. Whatever’s behind it, you have to work on it so that you can move forward in life and experience the joy of companionship.
12. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
While it’s true that you always owe people explanations for your actions, saying this in close relationships doesn’t bode well for your EQ or emotional availability. It’s often used as a way to avoid accountability or difficult conversations. You have to communicate openly, honestly, and vulnerably if you want to preserve your relationships or build new ones. It’s as simple as that.
13. “I’m just really busy right now.”
Consistently citing busyness as a reason for emotional or physical distance is a poor excuse. Everyone gets busy, but repeatedly using this excuse shows an unwillingness to prioritise relationships or emotional connections. It can be a way of avoiding deeper engagement or commitment, but making time for relationships is a choice, and consistently choosing not to make that time clearly points to emotional unavailability.
14. “I don’t like to dwell on the past.”
While it’s healthy not to obsess over things that are done and over with, completely avoiding discussions about the past can be a red flag for emotional unavailability. Maybe you say this to deflect conversations about past relationships or experiences that might provide insight into current behaviours. However, you’re just avoiding unresolved issues, and that will come back to bite you in the end.
15. “You deserve better than me.”
This seems like a selfless statement, but it often masks deep-seated emotional unavailability. It’s a way of either preemptively ending relationships or avoiding deeper commitment, neither of which are great. It might even mean you have seriously low self-esteem or fear of intimacy. Emotionally available people work on their self-worth and communicate their fears directly, so get on it.
