Even with the best intentions, parents can sometimes say things that rub their adult children the wrong way.
It’s a delicate balance between offering guidance and respecting their independence. While you’re undoubtedly proud of them and want the best for them, certain phrases can trigger feelings of resentment, hurt, or even a sense of being belittled. So, before you blurt out that seemingly harmless comment, here are a few that might be doing more harm than good in your relationship with your grown-up kids.
1. “When are you getting married/having kids?”
Source: Pexels Asking about major life milestones can be a sensitive topic for adult children. It might put unnecessary pressure on them or make them feel like they’re not meeting your expectations. Instead, focus on asking about their current life, their goals, and what makes them happy.
2. “You’re too young to understand.”
Dismissing your adult child’s opinions or experiences simply because of their age can be incredibly insulting. It invalidates their feelings and makes them feel like you don’t respect their perspective. Even if you have more life experience, remember that your child has their own valid thoughts and feelings.
3. “I told you so.”
Nobody likes a gloater, especially when it comes from a parent. Even if you were right about something, rubbing it in your child’s face will only make them resentful and defensive. Instead, offer your support and help them find solutions, without making them feel like they failed.
4. “You should be more like…”
Comparing your child to someone else, whether it’s a sibling, friend, or even a stranger, can be incredibly hurtful. It sends the message that you don’t value them for who they are and that they need to change to meet your standards. Instead, focus on celebrating their unique strengths and encouraging them to be their best selves.
5. “Why are you still single?”
Being single is not a failure or a problem to be solved. Your adult child might be perfectly happy with their relationship status, or they might be actively working on finding a partner. Either way, asking this question can make them feel like you’re judging their life choices and pressuring them into something they’re not ready for.
6. “You’re not living up to your potential.”
This phrase can be a major blow to someone’s self-esteem. It implies that you’re disappointed in them and that they’re not good enough as they are. Instead of focusing on what they haven’t achieved, try to acknowledge their efforts and celebrate their successes, no matter how small they might seem.
7. “You should have listened to me.”
We all make mistakes, and learning from them is part of life. Reminding your adult child of a past mistake they made and how you were right all along is unhelpful and belittling. Instead, offer your support and help them find solutions, without making them feel like they failed.
8. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
This is a classic line that can create lasting resentment and sibling rivalry. Each child is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. Comparing them to each other is unfair and can damage their relationship. Instead, focus on appreciating each child for who they are and celebrating their individual achievements.
9. “When I was your age…”
Source: Unsplash Invoking the “good old days” can make your adult child feel like their experiences and challenges are invalid or insignificant. It also implies that you don’t believe they’re capable of handling their own lives. Instead, try to be supportive and understanding of their unique challenges, even if they differ from your own experiences.
10. “You’ll understand when you have kids.”
This phrase often comes across as condescending and dismissive, suggesting that only parents can truly understand the struggles of life. It can also be hurtful to those who are unable or unwilling to have children. Instead, try to empathise with your child’s perspective and offer support without resorting to generalisations about parenthood.
11. “I’m disappointed in you.”
While expressing disappointment is sometimes necessary, using this phrase too often can be emotionally damaging. It can make your adult child feel like they’re constantly failing to meet your expectations and that your love is conditional on their achievements. Instead, focus on specific behaviours or choices you’d like them to change, and express your concerns in a constructive and supportive way.
12. “I always did everything for you.”
Reminding your adult child of all the sacrifices you made for them can make them feel guilty and indebted to you. It can also create a sense of obligation that hinders their independence. Instead, try to express your pride in their accomplishments and encourage them to take ownership of their own lives.
13. “You’re not making enough money.”
Financial success is relative and doesn’t always reflect someone’s overall happiness or fulfilment. Criticising your adult child’s income can make them feel inadequate and stressed. Instead, focus on offering support and advice if they’re struggling financially, without making them feel ashamed or judged.
14. “You need to settle down.”
Whether it’s about relationships, careers, or lifestyle choices, pressuring your adult child to “settle down” can be incredibly frustrating. They have the right to make their own choices and live their life on their own terms. Instead of trying to control their decisions, focus on being supportive and accepting of their path.
15. “I wish you were more like…”
Source: Unsplash Comparing your child to someone else, whether it’s a sibling, friend, or even a fictional character, can be extremely hurtful. It sends the message that you don’t value them for who they are and that they need to change to meet your ideals. Instead, focus on appreciating their unique qualities and encouraging them to be their best selves.
16. “You’re too old to be doing that.”
Age is just a number, and it shouldn’t limit anyone’s enjoyment of life. Telling your adult child that they’re “too old” for certain activities, hobbies, or even fashion choices can be condescending and disrespectful. Let them embrace their passions and express themselves freely, regardless of age.
17. “You’re acting just like your father/mother.”
This phrase can be incredibly hurtful, especially if your child has a strained relationship with their other parent. It can also make them feel like they’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes or patterns. Instead of comparing them to their parent, focus on their individual actions and choices, and address any concerns you have directly and constructively.
18. “I’m not sure why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”
Minimising your adult child’s feelings or concerns is a guaranteed way to damage your relationship. It tells them that their emotions are not valid or important to you. Instead, try to listen to their perspective, validate their feelings, and offer support and understanding, even if you don’t fully agree with their point of view.
