Gaslighting is a practice that’s been around for ages, but it’s only started being talked about in recent years.
It’s basically when someone tries to make you feel crazy by casting doubt on your memories and the way you see things, and it’s incredibly toxic. It’s also not always easy to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for. However, if someone is doing these things to you, they’re gaslighting you (or at least trying to) — don’t let them get away with it!
1. They deny things you know happened.
One of the clearest signs of gaslighting is when someone insists that something didn’t happen, even when you’re certain it did. They might say, “That never happened,” or “You’re imagining things.” It’s supposed to make you doubt your memory. To stand your ground, trust your own recollection and, if possible, keep notes or records to validate your experiences.
2. They trivialise your feelings.
If you express being hurt or upset, they dismiss your emotions with phrases like, “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.” Their belittling makes you question whether your feelings are valid. To combat this, remind yourself that your emotions matter and are worth acknowledging, regardless of what they say.
3. They constantly lie, even about small things.
Gaslighters lie with confidence and consistency. Even when you catch them in a lie, they double down or change the subject. The repeated dishonesty makes you question your own reality. When faced with this, stay firm in what you know to be true and trust your instincts, even if they insist otherwise.
4. They twist your words and use them against you.
You might say one thing, but a gaslighter will distort your words to make you seem unreasonable or guilty, and it makes you feel defensive and confused. To stand your ground, stay calm and clarify what you meant. Don’t let them pull you into endless debates — your truth is still valid.
5. They make you doubt your judgement.
They constantly question your decisions or thoughts, saying things like, “Are you sure that’s the right choice?” or “You always make bad decisions.” Over time, this does a number on your confidence. Protect yourself by affirming your ability to make sound decisions and asking for advice from friends you trust, and who you know support you.
6. They isolate you from other people.
A gaslighter might subtly or overtly discourage you from seeing friends or family. They might say, “They don’t really care about you” or “I’m the only one who understands you.” Isolation makes you more dependent on them. Fight it by maintaining connections with your support network, no matter how small the interactions may seem.
7. They shift the blame onto you.
When issues arise, a gaslighter will make everything your fault. They refuse to take responsibility and instead say, “You’re the one who made me act this way.” Recognise this deflection for what it is. Hold them accountable and remember that you’re not responsible for their actions or behaviour.
8. They use confusion to keep you off balance.
Gaslighters deliberately confuse you by changing stories, contradicting themselves, or bombarding you with information. The mental fog keeps you second-guessing yourself. To stay grounded, write down key details and trust your own logic, even when they try to muddy the waters.
9. They accuse you of being the gaslighter.
In a twisted move, they might turn the tables and accuse you of gaslighting them. They might say, “You’re the one who’s manipulating me!” This can make you question your own behaviour. Stand your ground by reflecting on your intentions and talking to trusted friends to keep your perspective clear.
10. They invalidate your memories.
If you recall an event, they might respond with, “You’re remembering it wrong” or “That’s not how it happened.” Their repeated invalidation can make you distrust your own mind. Keep a journal or record of events to affirm your memory and give yourself a sense of clarity.
11. They act like they know what’s best for you.
A gaslighter might undermine you by saying, “I know what’s best for you,” as if you’re incapable of making your own choices. This absolutely destroys your autonomy. To stand firm, remind yourself that you are capable of deciding what’s best for your life. Your voice matters.
12. They use guilt to control you.
Gaslighters often say things to make you feel guilty, like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” They weaponise guilt to get what they want. Recognise this tactic and remind yourself that healthy relationships don’t rely on guilt trips to function.
13. They dismiss your concerns as paranoia.
When you question their behaviour, they might respond with, “You’re being paranoid” or “You’re imagining things.” Their invalidation makes you doubt yourself, but trust your gut instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Your concerns are valid and deserve to be addressed.
14. They alternate between charm and cruelty.
Gaslighters can switch between being kind and being cruel, which keeps you off balance. One moment they’re loving, and the next, they’re cold or critical. Their inconsistency keeps you hoping for the “good” version of them. See this pattern and understand that their kindness doesn’t excuse their manipulation.
