Even well-meaning comments can come off as digs or jabs if you’re not careful.
How you talk to your partner matters. Just because you’ve been together for ages, or you take for granted the fact that they know you well doesn’t make it okay to be unnecessarily harsh with them. Here are some things you might be doing when talking to your other half to make them feel defensive and even a bit attacked. If you’re guilty of any of these, it’s time to change your behaviour — or risk losing your relationship.
1. Using sarcasm to make a point
Sarcasm may feel harmless, but it can sting, especially if it’s aimed at your partner. They might brush it off, but constant sarcasm can leave them feeling like they’re being mocked. Over time, it can wear down their confidence and trust in you. Keeping your “jokes” funny (and actually jokey) instead of at their expense helps avoid unintentional hurt.
2. Making passive-aggressive comments
Saying something indirectly, like “I guess some people don’t care about being on time,” may get your point across, but it’s not constructive. Passive-aggression often just builds resentment, even if it feels subtle. A more direct approach avoids misunderstandings and unspoken frustrations. Clear, honest communication works better than hinting at issues.
3. Bringing up old mistakes in arguments
Rehashing past errors during a disagreement can make your partner feel like they’re never off the hook. Instead of moving forward, it pulls things back into the past. This habit can prevent real resolution and lead to bitterness. Sticking to the current issue helps keep things focused and fair.
4. Making them the punchline
Joking about your partner’s habits or quirks in front of other people probably seems harmless, but it can embarrass them. Humour is great, but it’s best when both people are in on the joke. Repeatedly using them as a punchline can chip away at their self-esteem. Protecting each other’s dignity goes a long way.
5. Using “always” and “never” statements
Statements like “You always do this” or “You never listen” can feel overly harsh and absolute. These words can make your partner feel defensive, as if they can’t do anything right. Absolutes rarely give space for positive change or growth. Try focusing on specifics rather than broad accusations.
6. Interrupting or talking over them
Cutting them off in conversations can feel dismissive and disrespectful. It’s important to let each person have their say without feeling rushed. Giving them a moment to express themselves shows respect and patience. A little patience shows you value their perspective.
7. Comparing them to someone else
Saying, “Well, so-and-so’s partner would never do that” can feel hurtful, even if you mean well. Comparisons can make your partner feel like they’re not good enough. It often creates feelings of inadequacy or jealousy, neither of which are helpful. Appreciating them for who they are keeps things positive and supportive.
8. Dismissing their feelings
Comments like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal” can make your partner feel unheard. Everyone’s emotions are valid, even if they seem minor to you. Dismissing feelings can create an emotional disconnect over time. Acknowledging their feelings is often all they need to feel understood.
9. Giving “helpful” critiques that aren’t requested
Offering unsolicited advice or “helpful” criticism can come across as nitpicking. Sometimes your partner just wants support, not suggestions. Unasked-for advice can feel like judgment instead of understanding. Listening without judgment can be more helpful than correcting them.
10. Using guilt to get your way
Saying things like, “If you really loved me, you’d…” can create pressure and make your partner feel manipulated. Love isn’t about conditions or guilt trips. It’s easy to lose trust when guilt is involved. A healthy relationship focuses on understanding, not guilt-based persuasion.
11. Downplaying their achievements
Comments like “Oh, that’s nice” when they’re excited about something can feel dismissive. Showing genuine interest in their wins, big or small, helps them feel valued. Ignoring or minimising their achievements can hurt their confidence. Celebrating each other’s successes keeps the relationship strong.
12. Criticising their habits in front of other people
Pointing out things they do “wrong” while around friends or family can be embarrassing for your partner. Constructive criticism is best kept private, where it’s less likely to feel shaming. Public critiques often feel like an attack, not help. Being respectful in public makes them feel respected and supported.
13. Playing the blame game
Saying things like “It’s your fault” can create a defensive atmosphere and lead to resentment. In a partnership, focusing on solutions rather than assigning blame builds trust. Blame divides, but collaboration brings you closer. Teamwork is key to solving problems together.
14. Using silence as punishment
Giving the silent treatment or refusing to engage can make your partner feel isolated. While cooling off is okay, shutting down communication completely creates distance. Silence can often feel more hurtful than a heated argument. Honest dialogue helps more than silence ever could.
15. Making assumptions about their intentions
Assuming they meant to annoy or inconvenience you can lead to unfair accusations. It’s best to ask rather than assume the worst, as most actions aren’t intended to harm. Assumptions often create unnecessary conflict. Giving them the benefit of the doubt prevents unnecessary conflict.
16. Bringing up sensitive topics at the wrong time
Discussing serious issues when they’re tired, stressed, or distracted can feel like an ambush. Timing matters, and waiting for a calm moment can make a big difference in how the conversation goes. A calm setting makes it easier to work through things together. The right time helps both people approach things with clarity.
