Sometimes, people come across as really nice, but something feels a little off.
The thing is, genuine kindness isn’t just about how someone acts when the spotlight is on them; it’s also about what they do when no one’s watching. Here are 15 signs that someone might be putting on an act instead of being truly caring.
1. They make a big show of their good deeds.
Someone pretending to be kind often goes out of their way to announce every good thing they’ve done. Whether it’s donating to charity or helping a friend, they want everyone to know about it. They thrive on the attention their actions bring, which often overshadows the gesture itself.
2. They’re only nice when it benefits them.
If their kindness comes with strings attached, it’s a clear sign they’re not being genuine. They might act friendly when they need something but become distant the moment you’re no longer useful. Their actions often feel calculated rather than heartfelt, making it clear their niceness has limits.
3. They love to remind you of how kind they are.
You’ll often hear them say things like, “I always go out of my way for people,” or “I’m just such a giving person.” If they need to tell you they’re kind, it’s worth questioning why they feel the need to point it out so much. This constant self-promotion can feel more like a performance than genuine generosity.
4. They downplay or dismiss your struggles.
While they might offer surface-level support, they don’t genuinely listen or empathise when you’re going through something tough. Instead, they might offer generic advice or change the subject. Their lack of interest in truly understanding your challenges can make their kindness feel hollow.
5. They expect constant praise in return.
Kindness isn’t a transaction, but for someone pretending, it often is. They might get upset if you don’t thank them enough or make a big deal out of what they’ve done. Over time, this expectation for recognition can make their gestures feel more burdensome than thoughtful.
6. They’re quick to criticise behind the scenes.
While they may appear kind to your face, they’re not afraid to gossip or judge when you’re not around. Genuine kindness is consistent—it doesn’t vanish when people are out of earshot. Their behind-the-scenes behaviour often reveals a different side, undermining the kindness they project.
7. They overextend themselves to prove a point.
They might offer help they can’t actually deliver on, just to look good in the moment. Later, they either backtrack or complain about how hard it was for them. This tendency to overcommit can make their kindness seem more about appearances than genuine effort.
8. They turn everything into a favour owed.
If they keep track of every nice thing they’ve done for you and expect you to “repay” it later, their kindness isn’t coming from a genuine place. Real kindness doesn’t come with a ledger of favours to cash in. They often use these “debts” as leverage in future interactions, which can feel manipulative.
9. They rarely show up when it really counts.
Kindness isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about being there in meaningful ways. Someone who’s pretending to be kind might offer to help when it’s convenient but disappear when the going gets tough. Their absence during crucial moments shows where their priorities truly lie.
10. They dominate acts of group generosity.
If there’s a group effort to do something kind, like pitching in for a gift, they’re the first to make it about themselves. They might insist on organising everything or ensure their contribution gets noticed. By seeking recognition in a collective effort, they turn shared kindness into a self-serving spotlight.
11. They redirect sympathy toward themselves.
If you share something vulnerable, they quickly steer the conversation back to their own struggles or achievements. Instead of being there for you, they find a way to make it about them. Their constant redirection highlights their need for attention rather than their ability to truly support people.
12. They use kindness to gain influence.
Someone pretending to be kind might use their acts of generosity to curry favour or gain an advantage. Whether it’s impressing a boss or trying to get something from you, their kindness is often calculated. Their true intentions become clear when their actions consistently benefit them more than anyone else.
13. They manipulate people through guilt.
If they remind you of all the nice things they’ve done whenever they want something, it’s a red flag. Kindness that comes with guilt trips isn’t kindness at all—it’s manipulation wrapped in good intentions. Their generosity feels like a trap, making you feel obligated rather than appreciated.
14. They avoid small, unglamorous acts of kindness.
Holding the door open, helping with chores, or offering quiet support doesn’t get them the recognition they crave, so they often skip these opportunities. Genuine kindness isn’t about being seen—it’s about doing what’s right, no matter how small. Their disinterest in unnoticed acts of kindness shows where their priorities lie.
15. They get defensive when called out.
Someone pretending to be kind doesn’t take criticism well. If you point out something that feels insincere, they might lash out or accuse you of being ungrateful. Their reaction reveals more about their motivations than their actions ever could, exposing their need for validation over true generosity.
