If you’re a natural extrovert, some of your introvert colleague’s/friend’s/family member’s behaviour might seem a bit odd to you.
That’s fine — we introverts don’t expect everyone to magically understand everything about us. However, we do want people to respect us, and you’d be surprised at how often that doesn’t happen. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, if you have an introvert in your life, stop saying these things to them. They’re not amusing!
1. “Why are you so quiet?”
This question might seem innocent enough, but it can make introverts feel like there’s something wrong with us. Being quiet is just part of who we are, not a problem to be fixed. Introverts often prefer to speak when we have something meaningful to say, rather than filling the air with small talk. Instead of questioning our quietness, try appreciating the thoughtful contributions we do make.
2. “You need to come out of your shell.”
Sorry, but we’re not hiding in a shell; we’re comfortable with who we are. This comment implies that there’s something wrong with our natural state of being. We can be perfectly confident and self-assured without being the life of the party. Let us be who we are instead of trying to mould us into being more like you.
3. “You’d have more fun if you were more outgoing.”
This comment assumes that everyone experiences fun in the same way. For introverts, a quiet night in with a good book might be far more enjoyable than a wild party. Fun is subjective, and introverts tend to find joy in more low-key activities. Instead of pushing your idea of fun onto us, try asking what WE enjoy doing in our free time.
4. “Don’t be antisocial.”
Being introverted is not the same as being antisocial. We can enjoy socialising; we just prefer it in smaller doses and often need alone time to recharge afterwards. Labelling us as antisocial misunderstands our needs and preferences. It’s possible to be social without being the centre of attention or constantly surrounded by people.
5. “You’re missing out by not coming to the party.”
While you might think they’re missing out, we usually feel like we’d be missing out on valuable alone time if we went to every social event. We carefully choose where to spend our social energy. Respect our choices instead of making us feel guilty. We know what works best for ourselves.
6. “You just need to be more confident.”
Introversion is not a lack of confidence. Many of us are incredibly self-assured; we simply don’t feel the need to broadcast it to the world. Equating quietness with a lack of confidence is a misunderstanding of introvert traits. Confidence can be quiet, and many introverts exude a calm self-assurance that doesn’t require constant external validation.
7. “I’ll help you meet new people.”
Source: Unsplash While well-intentioned, this comment assumes that introverts need help socialising or that we want to meet lots of new people. Many introverts prefer deeper connections with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances. We’re capable of meeting new people when we want to; we just might be more selective about it.
8. “You’re no fun.”
This hurtful comment dismisses our idea of fun. Just because we might not enjoy loud parties or constant socialising doesn’t mean we’re not fun. Introverts often have a great sense of humour and can be incredibly entertaining in smaller, more comfortable settings. Our idea of fun might just be different from yours, and that’s fine.
9. “You need to learn to speak up more.”
Source: Unsplash We usually prefer to listen and process information before speaking. When we do speak, it’s usually because we have something valuable to contribute. Pressuring us to speak more often might lead to us feeling uncomfortable and less likely to share our thoughts. Instead, create an environment where we feel our input is valued when we choose to give it.
10. “You’re too sensitive.”
Many of us are indeed sensitive, but that’s not a bad thing. Being sensitive often means we’re empathetic, thoughtful, and deeply caring. Instead of dismissing our sensitivity, try to appreciate the depth of emotion and understanding it brings. After all, our sensitivity can be a strength, allowing for deeper connections and more nuanced understanding of situations.
11. “You need to network more for your career.”
Source: Unsplash While networking can be important, we usually prefer quality over quantity in our professional relationships. We might build stronger, more meaningful connections with fewer people, which can be just as beneficial for our career. There are many ways to network, and introverts often excel at one-on-one interactions or smaller group settings.
12. “Don’t you get bored being alone so much?”
We rarely get bored alone; in fact, we often find solitude energising and creative. We have a lot of creativity, and we enjoy pursuing hobbies or interests on our own. What might seem boring to an extrovert can be deeply fulfilling for an introvert. Instead of assuming we’re bored, ask about what we enjoy doing in our alone time.
13. “You’d be more attractive if you were more outgoing.”
Source: Unsplash This comment is not only rude, but also reinforces harmful stereotypes. Attractiveness is subjective, and many people find the quiet confidence of introverts very appealing. Suggesting we need to change a fundamental part of who we are to be attractive is hurtful and misguided. Introverts have plenty of attractive qualities, including our ability to listen and their depth of thought, thank you very much.
14. “I wish you’d stop being so shy.”
Source: Unsplash Introversion is not the same as shyness. We’re often perfectly confident in social situations, but simply prefer quieter environments or smaller groups. Labelling us as shy misunderstands our personality and preferences. Even if an introvert is shy, it’s not something we can just “stop” doing. Acceptance and understanding are more helpful than wishing for us to change.
15. “You need to live a little.”
Source: Unsplash This implies that the introvert’s way of living isn’t valid or fulfilling, which is far from the truth. We live very rich, full lives; we just might not broadcast it to the world. Our idea of living might involve deep conversations, creative pursuits, or quiet adventures. Instead of assuming we’re not living, ask about what we’re passionate about. You might just learn something new.
16. “Don’t you want to make friends?”
Source: Unsplash We actually do have strong, meaningful friendships, it’s just that we typically prefer a small circle of close friends rather than a large group of acquaintances. Suggesting we don’t have or want friends because we’re not constantly socialising is misunderstanding introvert preferences. We value quality over quantity in our relationships.
17. “You’re overthinking it.”
Source: Unsplash Many introverts are deep thinkers, and what might seem like overthinking to other people is often our way of processing information and making decisions. So much deep thought can lead to unique insights and well-considered opinions. Instead of dismissing our thought process, try to appreciate the care and consideration we put into our thinking.
18. “You need to learn to relax.”
Source: Unsplash Introverts often find relaxation in different ways than extroverts — a quiet evening at home is usually far more relaxing for us than a night out. Suggesting we need to “learn to relax” misunderstands what relaxation means for us. Everyone unwinds differently, and for introverts, that often involves solitude or low-key activities.
19. “You’re missing out on life.”
Source: Unsplash Way to assume there’s only one way to experience life fully. We have amazing lives that simply look different from more extroverted lifestyles. We might be experiencing life deeply through reading, creative pursuits, or meaningful one-on-one conversations. Instead of assuming we’re missing out, try to understand and appreciate our unique way of engaging with the world.
20. “You’ll grow out of it.”
Introversion is not a phase or something to be outgrown; it’s a fundamental part of a person’s personality. Suggesting that it’s something we’ll grow out of dismisses our identity and implies that there’s something wrong with being introverted. Many introverts become more comfortable with their personalities as they age, but we don’t become extroverts. Acceptance of our nature, not an expectation of change, is what’s truly helpful.
