When someone you care about is struggling, it’s natural to want to help.
Whether they’re going through heartbreak, grief, or just a tough time, the instinct to fix their pain and make things better comes from a good place. But here’s the thing—jumping in with solutions or trying to make their feelings go away isn’t always the best approach. In fact, it can sometimes do more harm than good. True support has nothing to do with fixing; in reality, it’s more important to be there in the right way. Here’s why trying to sort out everyone else’s life doesn’t help anyone, and why you need to stop.
1. Pain isn’t a problem to be solved.
Emotional pain isn’t like a broken sink or a flat tire; it’s not something that can be repaired with a quick fix. When you treat it like a problem to be solved, you risk invalidating how someone feels and making them feel pressured to “get over it” rather than fully processing their emotions.
Instead of rushing to offer solutions, try acknowledging their feelings. A simple “That sounds really tough” or “I’m here for you” can be far more comforting than listing ways to “fix” the situation. Sometimes, people just need to feel heard, not handed a step-by-step plan for moving on.
2. People need to process their emotions.
Painful experiences take time to work through, and trying to rush someone’s healing can make them feel pressured to “move on” before they’re ready. When someone is grieving, heartbroken, or struggling with something difficult, they need space to sit with their feelings and process them at their own pace.
Instead of urging them to feel better quickly, let them take the time they need. Offer a safe space where they can talk, vent, or even just sit in silence without feeling like they have to force themselves to be okay.
3. Your advice might not be what they need.
Even if you have the best intentions, the advice you give might not be what the other person actually needs. Everyone’s experience is different, and what worked for you may not apply to them. Sometimes, offering advice can even come across as dismissive if they just wanted someone to listen.
Before jumping in with solutions, ask, “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?” This simple question shows that you respect their feelings and gives them the chance to guide the conversation in a way that feels right for them.
4. It can make them feel unheard.
When someone opens up about their pain and the response is, “Here’s what you should do,” it can make them feel like their emotions aren’t being fully acknowledged. Instead of feeling supported, they might feel brushed aside, as though their struggles are just another problem to be “fixed.”
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is just listen without trying to change anything. Giving someone your full attention and validating their emotions lets them know they’re not alone, which can be more helpful than any solution.
5. It might send the message that their feelings are wrong.
When you immediately try to fix someone’s pain, it can unintentionally send the message that their feelings are a problem that needs to be corrected. Even if you mean well, it can make them feel like their emotions are an inconvenience or that they’re handling things the “wrong” way.
Instead, remind them that their emotions are valid. Saying something like, “It makes sense that you feel this way” or “I can see why that’s been so hard for you” reassures them that they’re not overreacting or being dramatic. It allows them to process their emotions without feeling judged.
6. Healing is a personal journey.
Source: Unsplash Everyone processes pain differently. Some people talk it out, some need time alone, and others go through waves of emotions that don’t follow a predictable pattern. Trying to push someone toward a specific way of healing can make them feel misunderstood or pressured.
Instead of assuming you know the right path for them, let them take the lead on what they need. Ask, “What would be helpful for you right now?” and let them decide how they want to navigate their healing process. Being patient and understanding makes a huge difference.
7. Trying to fix things can make you feel frustrated.
When you invest energy into trying to fix someone’s pain, and it doesn’t work, it can leave you feeling frustrated or even resentful. You might feel like your efforts aren’t being appreciated, or that they’re not “trying hard enough” to feel better.
Let go of the expectation that you need to “fix” anything. Supporting someone doesn’t mean solving their problems; it means being present, offering kindness, and understanding that healing takes time. Your presence matters more than any advice you could give.
8. It can put pressure on them to feel better.
When you constantly suggest ways to “move on” or “stay positive,” it can make the other person feel like they need to recover faster than they’re ready to. It adds unnecessary pressure and can make them feel like they’re failing at “getting better.”
Instead of pushing them toward solutions, let them feel what they need to feel. Simply saying, “Take your time, I’m here when you need me,” can be more reassuring than trying to cheer them up with forced positivity.
9. People need to feel in control of their own healing.
When someone is in pain, they often feel a loss of control. Jumping in with fixes can make them feel even more powerless, as if they’re being told what to do rather than being allowed to figure things out on their own.
Supporting them in a way that empowers them, like asking how you can help rather than assuming, gives them the space to take ownership of their healing process. Feeling supported rather than directed makes all the difference.
10. Unsolicited solutions can create distance.
Even if your heart is in the right place, constantly offering solutions can sometimes push people away. They may feel like they can’t fully express themselves because they’ll just be met with advice instead of understanding.
Instead, focus on connection. Say things like, “That sounds really hard. I’m here if you want to talk more about it.” This keeps the conversation open and allows them to share without pressure.
11. Being present is often more powerful than fixing.
People don’t always need someone to fix things for them; they just need someone to sit with them in their pain. Knowing they’re not alone can make all the difference in their healing process. Sometimes, the best support is just being there. Whether it’s sitting in silence, offering a hug, or simply saying, “I’m here for you,” your presence speaks louder than any solution.
12. Pain isn’t always meant to be avoided.
As uncomfortable as it is, pain is part of being human. It teaches, strengthens, and sometimes leads to deeper self-awareness. Trying to erase someone’s pain too quickly can rob them of the lessons they need to learn. Instead of trying to make it go away, acknowledge that pain has its place. Supporting someone through it without rushing them past it allows them to grow in their own way.
13. Real support is about understanding, not fixing.
Source: Unsplash The most valuable thing you can offer someone in pain isn’t a list of solutions—it’s your presence, patience, and understanding. People don’t always remember the advice they were given, but they do remember who was there for them when they needed it most.
Next time someone shares their struggles, resist the urge to fix and instead ask, “How can I support you?” That small shift can make all the difference in helping them feel truly heard and cared for.
