It’s easy to romanticise long-lasting marriages as pure luck or some magical soulmate connection.
Of course, anyone who’s been in it for the long haul knows it’s way more layered than that. It takes more than just finding “the one” and coasting. You have to show up, over and over, for yourself and for each other. If a marriage is going to stand the test of real life, these things aren’t optional—they’re absolutely necessary.
1. Mutual respect that never gets lazy
Love can ebb and flow over the years, but respect has to stay steady. If you don’t fundamentally admire the person you’re with, resentment creeps in quietly and starts pulling everything apart at the seams. Respect means showing up with care even on the bad days. It means not speaking to each other like enemies just because you’re tired or stressed. Without it, the whole foundation crumbles faster than you think.
2. The ability to fight without destroying each other
Arguments are inevitable. What matters is how you fight. Are you solving problems, or are you just trying to win? There’s a massive difference, and knowing it can save a marriage from years of silent damage. Being able to argue without name-calling, low blows, or character assassination is one of the biggest marks of a mature, lasting relationship. Disagreements don’t have to be wars.
3. Real forgiveness, not just pretending to forget
“I’m over it” means nothing if you’re stockpiling resentment like emotional ammo. True forgiveness means you don’t bring it up every time you’re annoyed. It means letting go for real, not using old mistakes as weapons later. Without forgiveness, marriages become graveyards of unresolved hurt. People stay technically together but emotionally miles apart. Forgiveness is the bridge back to connection.
4. Shared goals that evolve with you
Maybe it was buying a house at first. Then raising kids. Then building a retirement plan. The specifics change, but the important thing is this: you’re still dreaming forward together, not just existing side by side. When two people stop reaching for anything as a team, it’s frighteningly easy to become polite strangers under the same roof. Shared goals keep the partnership alive and future-facing.
5. The willingness to be wrong sometimes
No matter how good your intentions are, you’re going to screw up. Pride that won’t bend slowly suffocates closeness. Saying, “I was wrong” without needing to defend or explain yourself is pure relationship gold. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about trusting that your value doesn’t drop when you admit you missed the mark—and giving your partner the safety to do the same.
6. Space to grow individually
Trying to fuse into one indistinguishable unit might sound romantic, but it’s suffocating in the long run. You still need your own interests, dreams, friendships, and room to grow separately. When one person loses their identity, the relationship loses its spark. Being two whole people sharing a life, not half-people completing each other, is what keeps things alive for the long haul.
7. The ability to laugh at yourselves
Life gets messy. You’ll mess up holidays, burn dinners, say the wrong thing, lose tempers over absolutely nothing. If you can’t eventually laugh about it together, the small stuff piles up fast. Laughter isn’t a luxury in marriage—it’s a survival skill. Being able to say, “God, we’re ridiculous sometimes” softens everything that could otherwise break you apart.
8. A willingness to do the boring stuff
Marriage isn’t all candlelit dinners and deep talks. It’s grocery lists, mortgage renewals, and remembering to buy more bin bags. Showing up for the ordinary parts with patience is just as important as showing up for the exciting ones. If you’re only committed when it’s thrilling, the everyday life marriage builds won’t feel satisfying; it’ll feel like a trap. Real love thrives in the ordinary, too.
9. Boundaries that aren’t seen as threats
Healthy boundaries don’t mean distance—they mean respect. If setting a boundary feels like an attack, something’s already off balance. Boundaries protect relationships from slow, silent forms of resentment. It’s not about creating walls between you. It’s about knowing where you end and your partner begins—and respecting both spaces equally.
10. Gratitude that isn’t just assumed
Over time, it’s easy to take each other’s efforts for granted. But noticing, thanking, and appreciating the small things keeps a relationship feeling warm instead of transactional. When gratitude goes silent, love starts to feel like obligation. Noticing even the everyday kindnesses matters more than big gestures once the honeymoon phase fades.
11. Physical affection that doesn’t disappear
Touch isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom. It’s holding hands on a walk, a hand on the back while you pass in the kitchen, a kiss on the forehead before bed. It’s reminding each other, physically, that you’re still connected. Long-term marriages that stay affectionate don’t treat touch like something you outgrow. They keep finding ways to reach for each other even when life gets busy or heavy.
12. A shared sense of humour about life’s weirdness
You don’t have to laugh at the same jokes, but you do need to find some humour in the chaos you’ll inevitably face together. Being able to find the funny, even when things aren’t perfect, is pure glue. You’re not making light of serious things—it’s about not letting stress suck every ounce of joy out of your bond when life throws curveballs.
13. Trust that’s earned, and protected
Source: Unsplash Trust isn’t just built once. It’s built over and over, in a million small moments of honesty, reliability, and kindness. It’s also incredibly easy to damage, and painfully slow to repair if broken. Protecting your partner’s trust like it’s something fragile and valuable is non-negotiable if you want love that actually lasts.
14. A team mentality when facing the world
Source: Unsplash It’s you and your partner against the problem—not you against each other. Long marriages survive because both people feel like they’re on the same side, even when the world gets messy. Blame, defensiveness, and “me versus you” energy corrode that foundation over time. Protect the team vibe fiercely; it’s what keeps you steady when life stops playing nice.
15. Permission to have bad days without judgement
Not every day is going to be full of sunshine and butterflies. Being allowed to have a rough day, to not be your best self for a little while, without fear of punishment or withdrawal, is huge. If you can meet each other with compassion instead of criticism when things get tough, you’ll weather storms that could sink lesser connections.
16. Ongoing curiosity about each other
Source: Unsplash Even after decades, there’s still more to learn. People grow, shift, develop new interests, struggle with new insecurities. Staying curious keeps you close, even as life changes you both. Assuming you know everything about each other already leads to emotional laziness. Staying curious means you stay connected to who they’re becoming, not just who they were.
17. A shared commitment to keep evolving
Source: Unsplash Marriage doesn’t stay the same because life doesn’t stay the same. The couples who make it long-term evolve together instead of clinging desperately to what things “used to be.” It’s about growing, adapting, and choosing each other again and again through all the shifting seasons of life, not just the easy ones.
18. A willingness to apologise without keeping score
Apologising shouldn’t be a power play or a way to earn points. It’s about caring more about the relationship than about being right. When both people can apologise cleanly, the connection stays soft and strong. Keeping a mental scoreboard of who’s wrong more often turns relationships into battlegrounds. Letting go of scorekeeping builds trust instead of competition.
19. Shared values, even if your interests are different
You don’t need to like all the same music, books, or hobbies. However, if your core values clash—how you treat people, what you believe about kindness, honesty, respect—friction builds fast. Shared values give marriages the deep compatibility they need to survive when surface-level stuff gets messy. Interests fade. Core values stick.
20. A genuine friendship underneath the romance
At the end of the day, passion will ebb and flow. Of course, if you actually like each other—if you genuinely enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, talk for hours—you’ll always find your way back to connection. Friendship is what keeps the roots strong when storms hit. Without it, even the strongest romantic sparks eventually burn out.
