Romance and control don’t always look that different at first, which is pretty scary.
In fact, some of the most controlling behaviours get passed off as love, wrapped in compliments, intense gestures, or phrases that sound caring on the surface. However, if you look closer, they often come with pressure, guilt, or subtle power plays. Here are some of the problematic things people often mistake for romance that are actually signs someone wants control more than connection.
1. Wanting to know where you are all the time
It might sound sweet at first—someone who cares about your safety and likes checking in. However, if it turns into constant location sharing, updates every hour, or guilt when you don’t respond fast enough, it’s crossed a line. Healthy love doesn’t require tracking. If someone always needs to know where you are, it’s not about care—it’s about control dressed up as concern.
2. Wanting to spend all their time with you
In the early stages, it’s easy to be flattered when someone says, “I just want to be with you 24/7.” It feels passionate, intense, exciting. That being said, if they start pulling you away from friends, hobbies, or downtime, that’s not affection—it’s isolation. Real love respects space. If someone needs to be around you constantly to feel secure, it’s often about control, not connection.
3. Getting jealous over harmless interactions
“I just don’t like the way that guy looked at you” or “Why did she like your photo?” might seem like protectiveness, but it’s often rooted in insecurity, not love. Jealousy that demands you change your behaviour, justify harmless friendships, or filter your social life isn’t cute. It’s possessiveness with a romantic filter slapped on top.
4. Complimenting you, then changing you
They’ll say things like, “You’re so beautiful without makeup” or “You’d look so good if you dressed more like this.” At first it sounds like interest, but it often leads to pressure to dress, act, or present a certain way. If compliments start becoming rules, it’s not love—it’s someone reshaping you to fit their comfort zone. Eventually, it really starts to stifle your self-expression.
5. Claiming they “love you too much to lose you” as a way of guilt-tripping you
Someone saying they love you deeply isn’t a problem. However, if they use that love to guilt you into staying, agreeing, or apologising for things that aren’t your fault, it’s emotional leverage, not affection. Love doesn’t use guilt to win arguments. If you feel like every disagreement turns into a plea about how much they “need” you, it’s time to question the power dynamic underneath it.
6. Making big decisions for you “because they know you best”
On the surface, it might feel comforting to have someone who “just gets you” and wants to make your life easier. However, if they start making choices for you without asking, that’s not care—it’s control. Being in love doesn’t cancel out your autonomy. If someone regularly overrides your opinion or assumes they always know best, it’s not romantic—it’s diminishing.
7. Telling you that you’re the only person they need in their life
This sounds intense and flattering—until you realise it’s often a soft way of cutting themselves off from other people and expecting you to fill every emotional role they need. When someone says this often, it can come with pressure to meet all their needs, be constantly available, and feel guilty for wanting time apart. Love should add to your life, not replace your entire support system.
8. Constantly testing how much you’ll “prove” your love
“If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.” It starts small—missing a night out, changing plans, sharing passwords. But the tests keep coming, and the bar keeps moving. Genuine love doesn’t ask you to jump through hoops to prove it. If someone always needs reassurance through sacrifice, it’s not devotion—it’s manipulation.
9. Needing access to your phone or social media
It might start with a casual, “What’s your password?” or “Can I see your messages?” framed as transparency or closeness. The thing is, needing full access to your digital life has nothing to do with trust—it’s about control. Privacy in a relationship isn’t secrecy. If someone demands access to your devices as proof of love, they’re asking for power, not intimacy.
10. Picking fights to “keep the passion alive”
Some people mistake chaos for chemistry. They’ll start fights over little things, claim it’s because they care, and make up dramatically as a sign of deep connection. But if peace always feels temporary, that’s a red flag. Love doesn’t need drama to feel real. If someone keeps you emotionally off balance, they’re not fuelling romance—they’re controlling the emotional tempo of the relationship.
11. Turning every conversation into an interrogation
“Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn’t you text?” can sound like concern, but if these questions are constant and loaded with suspicion, it becomes policing, not partnership. Love that makes you feel like you’re always on trial isn’t love. It’s surveillance disguised as interest, and it destroys your right to a life outside the relationship.
12. Acting like your achievements are “ours”
At first, it seems sweet—they’re proud of you, they talk you up, they celebrate your wins. However, if they start positioning your success as something they made happen or downplay your hard work, it becomes a subtle power move. Support is great. But if your accomplishments are always absorbed into their ego, it’s not about love—it’s about control through ownership.
13. Making their emotional reactions your responsibility
They’re sad, angry, anxious—and it’s always something you did. Over time, you start walking on eggshells, adjusting your tone, filtering your words, and managing their moods before managing your own. This isn’t emotional closeness. It’s emotional control. A partner who holds you accountable for every feeling they have isn’t connecting—they’re manipulating.
14. Calling possessiveness “just how [I] show love”
“I get jealous because I care.” “I don’t like you going out because I love you too much.” These sound emotional, but they’re often used to normalise over-control and make you feel like the bad one for pushing back. Real love doesn’t make you feel suffocated or wrong for wanting independence. If their love feels like a cage, no matter how pretty it looks, it’s still a cage.
