Narcissists thrive on control—it’s their lifeblood, in many ways.
Whether it’s through charm, guilt, manipulation or pressure, their power lies in making people doubt themselves. However, once you stop playing by their rules, and once they realise they can’t pull the strings anymore, things tend to change fast, sometimes in pretty scary ways. Here are some common things that start to happen when a narcissist can no longer control you.
1. They get nastier—fast.
Source: Unsplash When their charm stops working, a narcissist’s mask can drop in seconds. The compliments turn cold, the jokes become digs, and they lash out to try to scare you back into line. It’s got nothing to do with anything you did wrong. It’s about them losing their grip. They’re angry that you’re not following the script anymore, and they want to punish you for it.
2. They try to guilt-trip you.
Once control slips, guilt becomes their next best weapon. Suddenly, you’re “cold,” “selfish,” or “not who you used to be.” They’ll twist your growth into a character flaw. They want you to second-guess your boundaries. Because if they can make you feel bad, they might still get some say in your choices.
3. They play the victim.
When they can’t manipulate you directly, they’ll start telling other people how much you’ve hurt them. They’ll spin a version of the story where they’re the one suffering because sympathy still gives them power. Healing or closure don’t come into play here. It’s about keeping control over the narrative, even if it means turning people against you.
4. They love-bomb you all over again.
If you start pulling away, don’t be surprised if they suddenly become the person you fell for again—sweet, attentive, full of promises they never kept before. It’s not genuine change. It’s bait. They’ll turn on the charm until you let your guard down—and then the cycle starts all over again.
5. They test your boundaries on purpose.
Instead of respecting your space, they’ll start pushing your limits just to see if you’ll cave. They might text at odd hours, turn up uninvited, or bring up things you’ve asked them not to. If you give in even once, they take it as proof that they still have access. It’s all about testing your resolve and wearing you down.
6. They drag up the past.
When they can’t get you to doubt yourself in the present, they’ll pull old mistakes or conflicts into the spotlight. Suddenly, everything you did wrong in 2016 is back on the table. They’re hoping to throw you off balance. If they can make you feel small again, maybe you’ll be easier to manage.
7. They try to isolate you (again).
If they sense you’re leaning on your friends or getting support from other people, they’ll start subtly turning you against those connections. “They don’t really understand you.” “They’re jealous.” This tactic only works if you start to believe it. That’s why keeping outside support is so important—they don’t want you to have anything that makes you stronger.
8. They start mirroring your growth.
They might suddenly start doing all the things you’re doing—therapy, journaling, new habits—just to prove they’ve “changed.” They’ll talk like they’ve had some big breakthrough. Sometimes it’s real, but often it’s just image control. They’re trying to stay relevant in your life by becoming a version of the person they think you’ll accept.
9. They flip between love and hate.
One day, they’re sweet and sentimental. The next, they’re distant or downright cruel. This hot-and-cold behaviour isn’t random—it’s designed to keep you emotionally unsteady. If you’re always trying to “get back” the nice version of them, you’re easier to manipulate. It’s a loop that keeps you second-guessing instead of moving on.
10. They spread subtle lies.
If they can’t control you directly, they might try controlling how other people see you. That could mean twisting the truth, planting little doubts, or straight-up lying behind your back. It’s sneaky and damaging, but it’s also a sign they’ve lost direct influence. They’re trying to regain it through reputation and whispers.
11. They show up when you least expect it.
After you’ve gone no contact or set clear limits, they might suddenly appear—online, in person, or through mutual friends. They’ll act like it’s “just a coincidence.” It’s not. It’s about making sure you haven’t forgotten them completely. They want to see if there’s still a way back in.
12. They blame you for their problems.
Whatever’s going wrong in their life suddenly becomes your fault. You “ruined” them. You “made” them act this way. You’re the reason everything fell apart. This isn’t about truth; it’s about deflection. They can’t handle accountability, so they throw it all onto you and hope it sticks.
13. They act like they’re above it all.
Some narcissists will try to appear completely unbothered. They’ll act smug, post subtly pointed things online, or pretend they’re suddenly thriving without you. Underneath the surface, though, they’re still watching. That cool exterior is just another power move—they want you to feel like they’re winning, even if they’re not.
14. They look for someone new to control.
Once they can’t control you, they often start grooming someone else. Not necessarily out of love, but because control is what really feeds them. It’s painful to see, especially if they start painting you as “the difficult ex.” But remember—it’s not about you. It’s about filling the gap you left behind.
15. They eventually move on, but keep tabs on you.
Even if they do leave you alone, that doesn’t always mean they’ve fully let go. They might keep watching from a distance, checking your socials, asking mutuals how you’re doing. It’s not because they care in a healthy way—but because they still want to feel like they matter to you. And knowing you’ve moved on without them? That’s what really stings.
