Mothers are often the backbone of families, but that doesn’t mean they’re immune to toxic behaviours.
While no one is perfect, some traits can cross the line into manipulation, making it harder to have a healthy, balanced relationship. Recognising these patterns and bad habits doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother — it’s about understanding the dynamics at play. Here’s how you know she might have a darker, more calculating side.
1. She guilt-trips you constantly.
If she regularly uses phrases like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” or “I guess I’m just not important to you,” she’s likely employing guilt as a tool. It’s an attempt to make you feel responsible for her emotions and actions, which can be emotionally draining over time.
2. She turns herself into the victim.
No matter the situation, she finds a way to make herself the victim. Whether it’s a disagreement or a simple boundary you set, the narrative shifts to how unfairly she’s been treated. That makes it hard for you to address issues without feeling like the bad guy.
3. She withholds affection to punish you.
If she suddenly becomes cold or distant when things don’t go her way, she may be using affection as leverage. Withholding love or attention is a classic manipulation tactic that leaves you chasing her approval and second-guessing your actions.
4. She uses backhanded compliments.
Comments like, “I guess you’re finally figuring things out,” or “You look great for once,” might sound like compliments, but they carry a sting. These subtle digs keep you questioning yourself and seeking her validation, which keeps her in control.
5. She plays favourites among siblings.
If she pits siblings against each other or clearly favours one over the others, it’s a sign of manipulative behaviour. It creates competition and tension within the family, keeping her in a position of power while the children vie for her approval.
6. She disregards your boundaries.
If you set a boundary — like limiting certain conversations or needing personal space — and she ignores it, she may be testing your limits. Manipulative individuals often see boundaries as challenges to overcome, not as signs of respect.
7. She acts overly self-sacrificing.
While sacrifices are part of parenting, a manipulative mother might overemphasise her sacrifices to make you feel indebted. Phrases like, “I gave up everything for you,” can leave you feeling guilty and obligated to meet her demands.
8. She exaggerates or distorts the truth.
Whether it’s rewriting the past or stretching the truth to fit her narrative, a manipulative mother often twists reality to serve her agenda. This can leave you doubting your own memories and questioning what’s real, a classic sign of gaslighting.
9. She demands constant attention.
If she needs to be the centre of your life, no matter what else is going on, it’s a sign of manipulation. She might interrupt your plans, call excessively, or create drama to draw your focus back to her. That behaviour is emotionally exhausting and invasive.
10. She undermines your decisions.
Whether it’s about your career, relationships, or even what you wear, she finds ways to criticise your choices. Phrases like, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” or “I don’t think that’s going to work out for you,” chip away at your confidence and keep you second-guessing yourself.
11. She uses financial control.
If she offers financial help but expects to control your choices in return, that’s a red flag. Money becomes a tool for manipulation, leaving you feeling trapped or obligated to do what she wants, even when it goes against your own desires.
12. She overshares or invades your privacy.
Manipulative mothers often blur the lines between parent and child by oversharing their personal issues or prying into yours. It creates a dynamic where you feel more like her therapist than her child, leaving little room for your own emotional needs.
13. She uses comparison to manipulate you.
“Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” or “Your sister never did that,” are phrases designed to make you feel inadequate. By comparing you to other people, she reinforces her control and keeps you striving for her approval.
14. She escalates conflicts unnecessarily.
Small disagreements quickly turn into dramatic arguments where she brings up unrelated issues or past grievances. It shifts the focus away from the original problem, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and less likely to stand your ground.
15. She demands loyalty at all costs.
If she expects blind loyalty, even when she’s in the wrong, it’s a sign of manipulation. Phrases like, “Family comes first,” or “You owe me this as my child,” are often used to guilt you into compliance, regardless of whether her actions are fair or reasonable. Recognising these toxic traits doesn’t mean you need to sever ties with your mum, but it does mean you can start setting boundaries and protecting your mental and emotional health. Healthy relationships require respect, and that includes relationships with parents.
