Cats may live among us, but they definitely operate by their own set of rules.
Mysterious, confident, and often hilarious, they have habits and rituals that make perfect sense to them — and zero sense to anyone else. These unwritten rules might leave humans confused, but for cats, they’re simply how the world works. There’s no sense in questioning it, either. That’s just how it goes.
1. The floor is lava — unless it’s in the exact wrong place.
If you’ve spent money on a soft new bed or a plush rug, your cat will avoid it at all costs. Instead, they’ll choose to sit on a paper receipt, a cardboard box, or the exact spot that’s in the way of your daily routine. Comfort isn’t the goal — chaos and curiosity are. This rule makes perfect sense to them. If it’s inconvenient, slightly ridiculous, or mildly in the way, then it must be the perfect place to sit, nap, or judge you from a distance.
2. All closed doors must be opened immediately.
Cats hate closed doors with a passion. Even if they have no intention of going through it, a door that’s shut becomes an instant personal offence. They’ll paw at it, meow dramatically, and act like you’ve betrayed them deeply. Once you open it, they may not even go through — they just wanted the option. In the feline mind, full access is a right, not a privilege, and you were clearly stepping out of line.
3. Humans must never be allowed to pee in peace.
There’s something about a closed bathroom door that makes cats feel urgently needed on the other side. The second you try to go in alone, they’re outside scratching, meowing, or trying to crawl under the door like it’s a matter of national security. If you do let them in, they’ll stare at you, knock things off the sink, or decide now’s the time to climb into your trousers. Privacy isn’t part of the cat-human contract, not when you belong to them.
4. Anything that hits the floor becomes theirs.
Whether it’s a pen, a receipt, a hair tie, or your dignity, if it falls — it belongs to the cat now. They’ll bat it, pounce on it, and possibly lose it under the sofa within minutes, never to be seen again. This isn’t just playtime. It’s a declaration of ownership. If it drops, they claim it — no exceptions, no negotiations, and certainly no concern for what it actually was.
5. Food tastes better from your plate.
No matter how fancy their own food is, your plate — or anything that smells like it came from your plate — is suddenly gourmet. Even if it’s something they’ve never tried, they’ll act personally offended if you don’t offer a bite. Stealing toast, licking butter, or knocking a sandwich to the floor is all part of the experience. The rule is simple: if it’s yours, it must be better, and they have to find out for themselves.
6. Three a.m. is the perfect time to sprint for no reason.
Just as you drift off into a peaceful sleep, your cat suddenly decides it’s time to run laps like they’re training for a marathon. Furniture is launched off of, tails are puffed, and invisible enemies are bravely fought in the hallway. It doesn’t matter how quiet the house is — this is their time to shine. Cats follow a different time zone entirely, and night hours are reserved for their most chaotic energy bursts.
7. Your keyboard exists solely to be sat on.
The second you try to work, your cat appears out of nowhere and plants themselves directly on your laptop. It could be warm, or they could just be deeply committed to being in the way — either way, the message is clear: stop looking at that and look at me instead. Typing around them? Good luck. They’ll find the most disruptive way to remind you that they outrank whatever project you’re working on, even if it’s urgent.
8. Knocking things over is a sport, and they’re champions.
That cup on the edge of the table? It’s going down. Cats don’t just knock things over accidentally — they do it slowly, methodically, and with total eye contact while you watch in horror. It’s not about the object, it’s about the power. Nothing says “I’m in charge here” like casually pushing your water glass to the floor while maintaining perfect composure.
9. The only acceptable water is from anywhere but the bowl.
Their water bowl could be freshly filled with filtered water, but they’ll still prefer the bathroom tap, the shower drain, or that suspicious glass on your bedside table. Drinking water is a scavenger hunt, not a routine. It’s a game they play with themselves, and with you. Your job is to provide hydration options. Their job is to act like you’ve failed and improvise something far weirder.
10. They will ignore you all day… until you’re busy.
When you’ve got hours to play, they disappear into another dimension. But the second you start a Zoom call, open a book, or sit down for a quiet moment, they suddenly need your attention immediately. They’ll walk across your paperwork, knock your pen off the table, or curl up in your lap like they’ve been starved for affection all day. Timing, in the cat world, is less about convenience and more about maximum disruption.
11. Boxes outrank everything else.
You could spend money on the softest bed, the fluffiest blanket, and the most luxurious perch, and your cat will still choose the cardboard box the delivery came in. Size doesn’t even matter. If they can cram one paw into it, it counts. Boxes aren’t just beds — they’re forts, hiding spots, and thrones. No matter how long the box stays in the room, it remains a high-value property that must be guarded with their life.
12. If it’s yours, it must be sabotaged out of love.
Your favourite jumper? Covered in cat hair. The one plant that was doing well? Dug up. The moment you make your bed? Immediately undone. They’re not being mean; they’re just participating in your life in their own unique way. Cats show affection by inserting themselves into your routines, even if it means chewing your headphone cable or walking across your clean laundry. In their eyes, this is bonding. In yours, it’s daily chaos, but strangely endearing all the same.
