Parenting adult children can be a delicate balance.
While you want to support and guide them, it’s easy to inadvertently make them feel inadequate. Here are some behaviours that might be sending the wrong message to your adult children. You want to encourage independence and confidence, not undermine their self-worth.
1. You constantly offer unsolicited advice.
While your intentions may be good, constantly giving unsolicited advice can make your adult children feel like you don’t trust their judgment. It implies that you think they’re incapable of making their own decisions. Instead, wait for them to ask for your opinion. This shows respect for their autonomy and decision-making abilities.
2. You compare them to other people.
Comparing your adult children to their siblings, cousins, or friends can be incredibly damaging. It suggests that you’re not satisfied with who they are or what they’ve achieved. Each person’s journey is unique, and comparisons only breed resentment and insecurity. Focus on their individual progress and strengths instead.
3. You criticise their life choices.
Whether it’s their career path, partner, or lifestyle, criticising your adult children’s choices implies that you don’t approve of the life they’ve built. This can make them feel like they’re constantly falling short of your expectations. Try to understand their perspective and support their decisions, even if they differ from what you would choose.
4. You’re overly involved in their lives.
Excessive involvement in your adult children’s lives can make them feel like you don’t trust them to handle things on their own. This might include frequent check-ins, showing up unannounced, or trying to solve their problems for them. Step back and allow them to navigate their own lives, offering support only when asked.
5. You dismiss their feelings.
Phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big a deal” invalidate your adult children’s emotions. This dismissive attitude can make them feel like their feelings aren’t important or valid. Instead, listen empathetically and acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them.
6. You bring up past mistakes.
Source: Unsplash Constantly referencing past failures or poor decisions can make your adult children feel like they’re forever defined by their mistakes. It suggests that you haven’t forgiven them or that you don’t believe in their ability to grow and change. Focus on the present and future, acknowledging their growth and maturity.
7. You impose your expectations on their lifestyle.
Pressuring your adult children to live according to your standards – whether it’s about marriage, children, or career – can make them feel like their own desires and choices aren’t good enough. Recognise that their definition of success and happiness might differ from yours, and that’s okay.
8. You’re overly critical of their parenting.
If your adult children have kids of their own, constantly critiquing their parenting style can undermine their confidence as parents. It implies that you don’t trust their ability to raise their own children. Offer support and advice only when asked, and respect their parenting choices.
9. You make jokes at their expense.
What you might see as harmless teasing can be hurtful to your adult children. Jokes about their appearance, career, or personal life can chip away at their self-esteem, especially if they’re frequent. Be mindful of your humour and ensure it’s not at the expense of your children’s feelings.
10. You don’t respect their boundaries.
Ignoring or pushing against the boundaries your adult children set can make them feel disrespected and undervalued. This might include showing up unannounced, prying into their personal lives, or disregarding their requests for space. Respecting their boundaries shows that you value their independence and privacy.
11. You’re always trying to fix things for them.
Constantly jumping in to solve your adult children’s problems can make them feel incapable. While it’s natural to want to help, always swooping in to fix things undermines their ability to handle challenges on their own. Offer support, but let them take the lead in problem-solving.
12. You express disappointment in their achievements.
Showing disappointment when your adult children share their accomplishments can be deeply hurtful. Even if you think they could do better, it’s important to celebrate their successes, no matter how small. Your approval and pride can significantly boost their confidence and motivation.
13. You guilt-trip them.
Using guilt as a tool to influence your adult children’s behaviour or decisions can damage your relationship. It makes them feel obligated rather than loved. Phrases like “After all I’ve done for you…” or “If you really cared…” create resentment and strain. Communicate openly and honestly instead of resorting to emotional manipulation.
14. You’re overly critical of their appearance.
Comments about weight, clothing choices, or general appearance can be particularly hurtful coming from a parent. It can make your adult children feel like they’re not meeting your standards of presentation. Remember, their body and style choices are their own. Offer compliments instead of criticism.
15. You don’t show interest in their passions.
Dismissing or showing little interest in your adult children’s hobbies, careers, or passions can make them feel like their interests aren’t valid or important. Even if you don’t fully understand or share their enthusiasm, showing genuine interest demonstrates that you value what’s important to them.
16. You’re always talking about how things were “back in your day”.
Source: Unsplash Constantly comparing current times to your own youth in a bad way can make your adult children feel like they’re living in a lesser world or that their experiences aren’t as valid. It’s important to recognise that times change and that your children’s experiences and challenges are unique to their generation.
17. You don’t treat them like adults.
Continuing to treat your grown children like they’re still kids can be incredibly frustrating for them. This might include making decisions for them, talking down to them, or not acknowledging their adult status. Recognise and respect their maturity and treat them as the adults they are.
18. You withhold affection or approval.
Using affection or approval as a reward for meeting your expectations can create a damaging dynamic. It suggests that your love is conditional on their achievements or choices. Make sure your adult children know that your love and support are constant, regardless of whether they meet certain criteria or make choices you agree with.
