Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that seeks to strip away a person’s freedom and sense of self.
It’s a form of domestic abuse that doesn’t always leave physical marks but can be deeply damaging. What’s worse, sometimes it manifests in such subtle ways that you don’t realise it’s happening to you until it’s gone too far. Here’s what you need to know about coercive control and the signs to watch out for to protect yourself.
1. What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a persistent pattern of controlling, threatening, and degrading behaviour in a relationship. It’s about power and domination, where one person seeks to undermine and control the other. Again, this form of abuse can be subtle and gradual, making it hard to recognise at first.
2. It’s not always physical.
Unlike physical abuse, coercive control doesn’t necessarily involve violence. It’s often psychological and emotional, which can make it harder to identify and prove. The absence of physical marks doesn’t make it any less harmful or serious, however. It can really mess you up for a long time.
3. Isolation from friends and family
A common tactic is to gradually cut off the victim from their support network. The abuser might discourage or prevent contact with friends and family, often under the guise of wanting to spend more time together. Sadly, the isolation makes the victim more dependent on the abuser.
4. Monitoring and controlling behaviour
The abuser might insist on knowing where their partner is at all times, check their phone or emails, or use tracking apps. They may set rules about who the victim can see or talk to, what they can wear, or how they should behave. They want to call the shots in every aspect of the other person’s life.
5. Financial control
Economic abuse is a form of coercive control, and it might involve controlling all the finances, preventing the victim from working, or forcing them to account for every penny spent. The goal is to make the victim financially dependent on the abuser. When you have no resources of your own, that makes it harder to get away.
6. Gaslighting and manipulation
Gaslighting is a tactic where the abuser makes the victim question their own reality. They might deny events happened that clearly did, twist the truth, or blame the victim for their own abusive behaviour. As a result, the victim is left feeling confused and doubting their own judgement.
7. Threats and intimidation
The abuser might use threats to keep their partner in line. These could be threats of violence, but they might also threaten to harm themselves, reveal secrets, or take away children. The goal is to create fear and compliance; most of the time, they have no intention of following through with any of the threats they make, but since you won’t want to take the chance, you’ll go along with what they say.
8. Degradation and humiliation
Constant criticism, name-calling, and humiliation are common tactics. The abuser might put their partner down in private or in public, aiming to destroy their self-esteem and make them feel worthless. Again, the less you love yourself, the more dependent you’ll be on their validation and approval, and that’s just how they want it.
9. Using children as pawns
In relationships where there are children, the abuser might use them to control their partner. This could involve threats to take the children away, turning the children against the other parent, or using access to children as a bargaining tool. They might even go so far as to make false allegations against you in order to gain legal control over the kids.
10. Unpredictable behaviour
The abuser might switch between being loving and abusive, leaving the victim constantly on edge. This unpredictability is a form of control that keeps you in a state of anxiety and confusion. You never know what’s coming next, so you can never truly relax. It frays your nerves and leaves you exhausted.
11. Excessive jealousy and possessiveness
While often portrayed as a sign of love, excessive jealousy is a red flag. The abuser might accuse their partner of cheating without cause, demand constant reassurance, or exhibit possessive behaviour. There’s nothing sweet about this behaviour — it’s toxic.
12. Restricting personal freedom
The abuser might try to control various aspects of their partner’s life, from what they eat to what they wear, who they see, or where they go. The gradual erosion of the victim’s personal autonomy is a key aspect of coercive control. Eventually, you’ll lose the confidence to act independently.
13. Technology-facilitated abuse
Given the ease and accessibility of technology, abusers often use it to control their partners. This could involve monitoring online activity, demanding passwords, or using smart home devices to control the environment.
14. Recognising the impact
Victims of coercive control often experience anxiety, depression, and a loss of confidence. They might feel constantly on edge, afraid to speak up or make decisions. Recognising these effects can be a major step in identifying the abuse.
15. Seeking help
If you recognise these signs in your relationship or that of someone you know, it’s important to get the help you no doubt desperately need. There are organisations that provide support and advice for those experiencing domestic abuse, including coercive control. Remember, you’re not alone, and help is available.
