Pretty much every family is dysfunctional on some level, but if yours was especially bad growing up, you’re probably still carrying around a lot of that baggage.
What kind of baggage you’ve got depends on your unique situation — dysfunction manifests in all kinds of ways, the impacts of that kind of upbringing are just as varied. However, however your experiences during your formative years shaped you, here are some ways you can start to process what you went through and start to find peace. Of course, this isn’t a diagnosis, and not all of these tips will be helpful for everyone. If you’re really struggling, contact your GP or a licensed medical health professional who has the training and knowledge to help you through.
1. Acknowledge that your upbringing wasn’t normal.
The first step is recognising that your family dynamics weren’t healthy. This can be tough because dysfunctional patterns often feel normal when you’re in them. Take a step back and look at your childhood objectively. Did you feel safe, supported, and valued? Were your emotional needs met? If not, it’s time to accept that your family environment was dysfunctional.
2. Identify the specific issues in your family.
Dysfunctional families come in many forms. Maybe there was addiction, abuse, neglect, or constant conflict. Perhaps one parent was overly controlling, or there was a lack of emotional intimacy. Understanding the specific issues at play can help you pinpoint how they’ve affected you and what areas you need to work on.
3. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family often means you’ve learned to suppress your feelings. It’s time to let those emotions out. Anger, sadness, disappointment — it’s all valid. Don’t judge yourself for these feelings. They’re a natural response to your experiences, and acknowledging them is a crucial part of healing.
4. Set boundaries with family members.
As an adult, you have the power to define your relationships. It’s okay to limit contact with family members who continue to exhibit harmful behaviour. You don’t have to cut them off entirely if you don’t want to, but you can set clear boundaries about what you will and won’t tolerate. This might mean shorter visits, avoiding certain topics, or only meeting in public places.
5. Work on building healthy relationships.
Your family dynamics might have given you a skewed view of what relationships should look like. Make a conscious effort to build healthy connections with friends and partners. This means being open, honest, and respectful. Learn to communicate effectively, express your needs, and respect people’s boundaries. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice.
6. Develop self-awareness.
Take time to reflect on how your upbringing has shaped your behaviour and thought patterns. Do you struggle with trust? Do you have a hard time expressing emotions? Understanding these aspects of yourself can help you identify areas for growth and change. Journaling or talking with a close friend can be really helpful in this process.
7. Break negative cycles.
It’s common for people from dysfunctional families to unconsciously repeat unhealthy patterns in their own lives. Once you’ve identified these patterns, make a conscious effort to break them. This might mean learning new communication skills, managing your anger differently, or changing how you approach relationships.
8. Look after yourself.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family often means your needs weren’t prioritised. It’s time to change that. Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. This could involve exercise, meditation, hobbies you enjoy, or simply taking time to relax. Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s necessary for your wellbeing.
9. Challenge your inner critic.
Dysfunctional families often instil a harsh inner critic. You might find yourself constantly doubting or berating yourself. Start to notice when this happens and challenge these thoughts. Are they based on reality or old messages from your past? Work on replacing negative self-talk with more balanced, compassionate thoughts.
10. Educate yourself about healthy family dynamics.
If you didn’t experience it first-hand, you might not know what a healthy family looks like. Read books, articles, or listen to podcasts about healthy family dynamics and relationships. This can help you understand what you missed out on and what to strive for in your own life and relationships.
11. Consider therapy or counselling.
A mental health professional can provide invaluable support as you work through issues from your past. They can help you process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and work towards healing. Don’t be afraid to shop around to find a therapist you feel comfortable with.
12. Join a support group.
Connecting with people who’ve had similar experiences can be incredibly validating and healing. Look for support groups in your area or online for adult children of dysfunctional families. Sharing your story and hearing other people’s can help you feel less alone and provide practical strategies for coping.
13. Focus on personal growth.
Instead of dwelling on what you missed out on, channel your energy into personal development. Set goals for yourself, pursue your interests, and work on becoming the person you want to be. This can help shift your focus from your past to your future.
14. Be patient with yourself.
Source: Pexels Healing from a dysfunctional upbringing is a process, not an event. There will be ups and downs, and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself when you struggle or fall back into old patterns. Recognise the progress you’re making, no matter how small it might seem. Remember, every step forward is a victory.
