When you’re in a committed relationship, you should naturally feel safe and secure.
However, achieving that is a work in progress for a lot of people who are coupled up, mostly because the things you think you need for security aren’t really the key at all. If you want to feel confident in your connection, your partner, and the long-term potential of what you’ve got going on, here’s what you really need.
1. You need to be okay with being on your own.
Yeah, it sounds backwards, but hear me out. If you’re not cool hanging out by yourself, you’ll end up clinging to your partner like a life raft. That’s exhausting for everyone. Being comfortable solo means you’re choosing to be with your partner, not desperately needing them. It’s about wanting them, not needing them to feel complete.
2. You’ve got to have your own stuff going on.
Seriously, keep your hobbies, friends, and interests. When you’ve got your own life, you’re not sitting around waiting for your partner to entertain you. Plus, it gives you something to talk about besides what’s for dinner. Having your own identity makes you more interesting and less likely to feel threatened when your partner does their own thing.
3. You need to actually talk about the awkward stuff.
Source: Unsplash Forget mind reading — it’s not a thing. If something’s bugging you, speak up. Bottling it up just leads to resentment and passive-aggressive comments. Yeah, it might feel awkward at first, but it beats the alternative of stewing in silence. Open communication isn’t just about the good stuff; it’s about tackling the tricky topics too.
4. You’ve got to trust your gut.
Source: Unsplash If something feels off, pay attention. Don’t ignore red flags just because you’re afraid of being alone. Your instincts are there for a reason. Trusting yourself means you’re less likely to put up with behaviour that makes you feel insecure. It’s about respecting yourself enough to acknowledge when something’s not right.
5. You need to stop playing detective.
Constantly checking their phone or social media? Stop it. If you’re always looking for proof they’re up to no good, you’ll never feel secure. Either trust them or don’t, but playing Sherlock Holmes will drive you both nuts. Real security comes from trusting unless you have a solid reason not to, not from constant surveillance.
6. You’ve got to be willing to be vulnerable.
Source: Unsplash This one’s scary, but crucial. Opening up about your fears, dreams, and insecurities is how you build real intimacy. It’s not about being weak; it’s about being brave enough to show your true self. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you create space for your partner to do the same. That’s where the real connection happens.
7. You need to accept that perfection is a myth.
No relationship is perfect, and chasing that ideal will drive you bonkers. Accept that there will be rough patches and disagreements. It’s normal. What matters is how you handle them. Expecting perfection sets you up for disappointment and constant insecurity. Real security comes from knowing you can weather the storms together.
8. You’ve got to stop comparing your relationship to other people’s.
Your mate’s “perfect” relationship on social media? It’s probably not as rosy as it looks. Every couple has their own issues, and comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel is a recipe for insecurity. Focus on what works for you and your partner, not what looks good on Instagram.
9. You need to learn to forgive.
Holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. Learning to forgive (when it’s warranted) is crucial for moving forward. This doesn’t mean being a doormat, but it does mean not bringing up old issues every time you argue. Forgiveness allows you to build trust and security over time.
10. You’ve got to be able to laugh together.
Source: Unsplash Shared humour is seriously underrated in relationships. Being able to laugh together, especially during tough times, can be a real lifesaver. It helps you not take everything so seriously and can defuse tension. Plus, inside jokes create a special bond that’s just between the two of you.
11. You need to respect each other’s boundaries.
Having boundaries isn’t about keeping your partner out; it’s about creating a healthy space where both of you can thrive. Respect for each other’s limits, whether they’re emotional, physical, or social, builds trust. It shows that you value each other’s individuality and aren’t trying to control one another.
12. You’ve got to be willing to grow together.
People change over time, and that’s okay. Being secure means being open to evolving together. Support each other’s personal growth, even if it means shaking things up a bit. A relationship that allows for individual growth is one that’s built to last.
13. You need to learn to fight fair.
Arguments happen, but how you handle them matters. No name-calling, no bringing up past mistakes, and no silent treatment. Learn to disagree without disrespecting each other. Fighting fair means you can tackle issues head-on without fear of the relationship falling apart over every disagreement.
14. You’ve got to celebrate each other’s wins.
Being genuinely happy for your partner’s successes is huge. If you find yourself feeling jealous or resentful when they achieve something, that’s a red flag. A secure relationship is one where both partners can shine without dimming the other’s light. Their win is your win, and vice versa.
15. You need to maintain physical intimacy.
This isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom. It’s about small touches, hugs, and just being physically close. Physical affection releases feel-good hormones that boost bonding. Even if you’re not naturally touchy-feely, finding ways to maintain physical connection is important for feeling secure and loved.
16. You’ve got to trust the process.
Building a secure relationship doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, effort, and sometimes, it’s two steps forward, one step back. Trust that if you’re both putting in the work, you’re heading in the right direction. Security comes from consistently showing up for each other, day after day.
