Manipulation is a sneaky tactic that can creep into our interactions without us even realising it.
We all want to feel heard and get our way sometimes, but when those desires cross the line into controlling behaviour, it’s time to take a closer look. Here are some subtle signs that might reveal if you’re inadvertently using manipulative tactics in your relationships.
1. You use guilt trips to get what you want.
Guilt trips are a classic manipulation tactic. Instead of directly asking for what you want, you try to make the other person feel bad for not giving it to you. You might say things like, “If you really cared about me, you would…” or “I guess I’m not important enough for you to…” These statements aim to evoke guilt and obligation, rather than genuine understanding and cooperation.
2. You play the victim to avoid responsibility.
Taking responsibility for your actions is essential for healthy relationships. However, if you find yourself constantly playing the victim, blaming other people for your problems, or exaggerating your suffering to gain sympathy, it’s a red flag for manipulation. This shifts the focus away from your own accountability and puts the burden on other people to fix your problems or cater to your needs.
3. You withhold affection or attention as a form of punishment.
Love and affection should never be used as bargaining chips. If you find yourself withdrawing your love, attention, or support when you don’t get your way, it’s a sign of manipulation. This creates an unhealthy dynamic where the other person feels they need to earn your affection through compliance, rather than feeling loved and accepted unconditionally.
4. You use passive-aggressive behaviour to express your anger.
Instead of directly addressing your concerns or frustrations, you resort to subtle digs, sarcasm, or backhanded compliments. This passive-aggressive behaviour creates a hostile environment and leaves the other person feeling confused and hurt. It’s a way of expressing your anger without taking ownership of it, leaving the other person to decipher your true feelings.
5. You twist the truth to make yourself look better.
Honesty and transparency are crucial for healthy communication. However, if you find yourself exaggerating your accomplishments, downplaying your mistakes, or omitting key details to present yourself in a better light, it’s a sign of manipulation. This destroys trust and creates a false image of who you are, ultimately undermining your relationships.
6. You give backhanded compliments.
A compliment should make someone feel good, but a backhanded compliment does the opposite. It’s a disguised insult that often starts with praise but ends with a criticism. For example, you might say, “You look great for your age” or “That’s a surprising choice for someone like you.” These statements might seem like compliments on the surface, but they carry an underlying message of judgement or disapproval.
7. You use gaslighting to make people doubt their reality.
Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of manipulation. It involves making the other person question their sanity, memory, or perception of events. You might deny their experiences, invalidate their feelings, or twist the truth to make them believe they’re wrong or crazy. This is incredibly harmful and can have devastating effects on someone’s mental and emotional well-being.
8. You compare yourself to other people to make them feel inadequate.
Healthy competition can be motivating, but constantly comparing yourself to people in a way that makes them feel inadequate is manipulative. You might brag about your achievements, belittle their efforts, or make them feel like they’re not good enough. This is fuelled by insecurity and a need to feel superior, but it ultimately damages your relationships and creates a toxic environment.
9. You make promises you don’t intend to keep.
Making promises and then breaking them is a manipulative tactic that ruins trust and creates resentment. Whether it’s promising to change your behaviour, offering help you never deliver, or making commitments you have no intention of fulfilling, this is dishonest and hurtful. It shows a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings and expectations.
10. You play mind games to keep people guessing.
Keeping someone on their toes might seem exciting in the short term, but it’s a manipulative tactic that creates uncertainty and anxiety. You might send mixed signals, play hard to get, or create drama to keep the other person invested. This is driven by a need for control and a fear of vulnerability, but it ultimately damages trust and prevents the development of a healthy, stable relationship.
11. You use flattery to manipulate people into doing what you want.
While genuine compliments are appreciated, excessive flattery can be a manipulative tactic. If you’re showering someone with praise and admiration solely to get them to do something for you, it’s not genuine connection. This can make people feel uncomfortable or used, as they sense an ulterior motive behind your kind words.
12. You create drama to gain attention or sympathy.
Everyone has problems, but intentionally creating drama to garner attention or sympathy is a sign of manipulation. This could involve exaggerating issues, starting conflicts, or playing the victim to make people feel sorry for you. This can be draining for those around you and ultimately push people away.
13. You use the silent treatment to punish or control people.
Communication is key in any healthy relationship, and using silence as a weapon is a form of manipulation. If you refuse to speak to someone or ignore their attempts to communicate with you as a way to punish or control them, it creates a toxic dynamic. It’s important to address issues directly and respectfully, rather than resorting to silence.
14. You isolate people from their friends and family.
One of the most concerning signs of manipulation is isolating someone from their support system. This could involve criticising their friends or family, making them feel guilty for spending time with other people, or even directly discouraging them from maintaining those relationships. This is often a way to gain control over someone and make them more dependent on you.
15. You use threats or ultimatums to get your way.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and compromise, not threats or ultimatums. If you find yourself resorting to threats like “If you don’t do this, I’ll do that” or issuing ultimatums to get what you want, it’s a clear sign of manipulation. This is controlling and disrespectful, and it creates an environment of fear and resentment.
16. You make people feel guilty for having their own needs and desires.
Everyone has individual needs and desires, and it’s important to respect those. If you try to make people feel guilty for having their own preferences or prioritising their own well-being, it’s a form of manipulation. This can make people feel trapped and obligated to cater to your needs at the expense of their own.
17. You constantly change your mind or expectations.
While it’s normal for plans and preferences to change occasionally, constantly shifting your mind or expectations can be a manipulative tactic. This keeps the other person on their toes, making them constantly adjust to your whims and desires. It can create a sense of instability and uncertainty in the relationship.
18. You take credit for other people’s ideas or accomplishments.
Giving credit where credit is due is essential for building trust and respect. If you find yourself taking credit for someone else’s ideas, work, or accomplishments, it’s a form of manipulation that undermines their contributions and makes them feel undervalued. It’s important to acknowledge and appreciate other people’s efforts, even if it means sharing the spotlight.
19. You use emotional blackmail to get your way.
Source: Unsplash Emotional blackmail involves using threats, guilt, or fear to manipulate someone into doing what you want. This could involve threatening to harm yourself, ending the relationship, or causing some other form of emotional distress if you don’t get your way. This is incredibly harmful and can have long-lasting negative effects on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being.
20. You refuse to apologise or take responsibility for your actions.
Source: Unsplash Everyone makes mistakes, and owning up to them is a sign of maturity and accountability. If you refuse to apologise, deflect blame, or minimise the impact of your actions, it’s a manipulative tactic that avoids taking responsibility for the harm you’ve caused. This can destroy trust and damage relationships, as it shows a lack of remorse and a disregard for other people’s feelings.
