The “if we’re both still single at 40, let’s get married” agreement sounds like a rom-com subplot, and sometimes, that’s exactly how it starts.
It’s usually lighthearted, based in long-time friendship, and fuelled by a mix of loyalty and shared cynicism about dating apps. But is it really a sweet backup plan, or something more complicated under the surface? Here are some pros and cons to consider if you’ve ever made (or been tempted to make) a pact like this with someone in your life.
Pro: There’s comfort in the safety net.
One of the biggest draws is the emotional security it offers. Just knowing there’s someone out there who loves and values you enough to be a “last resort” (in a good way) can ease some of the pressure that builds with age. It’s not desperation, it’s reassurance. In a world where relationships feel increasingly complicated, having a soft place to land can be a huge source of calm.
Con: It can keep you emotionally stuck.
On the flip side, the comfort of the pact might quietly stop you from putting yourself out there properly. You might not admit it, but part of your brain could treat the agreement like a fallback plan, so the urgency to build something real elsewhere fades. It’s easy to think, “Well, if nothing works out, I’ve always got them,” and that can lead to a kind of passive waiting, rather than active growth or connection with new people.
Pro: You already know each other’s quirks.
Unlike starting from scratch, a pact partner usually knows the real you: your odd habits, your bad moods, your taste in snacks. That level of familiarity can make things feel easier and more grounded if you ever follow through. There’s no pretending or polishing the way people do in new relationships. It’s a head start based on real-life friendship, not just romance theatre.
Con: You might be romanticising something platonic.
Just because you get on well doesn’t mean the romantic part will fall into place. It’s easy to idealise what being with a friend might be like, but once you’re actually in it, things can feel mismatched or emotionally flat. Not every close friendship is meant to turn romantic, and pushing it in that direction can sometimes strain or even end the connection entirely.
Pro: It takes the pressure off dating timelines.
Knowing there’s a plan B or C on the horizon can help take the sting out of milestones society loves to throw at you, such as being married by 30 or having kids by 35. With a pact in place, you might actually enjoy your single years more freely. Instead of dating out of panic, you’re dating because you want to, not because you’re racing a clock.
Con: It can create invisible expectations.
Even if the agreement was made as a joke, time has a way of making people attach deeper meaning to it, especially if one person starts to rely on it emotionally more than the other. When you hit 38 or 39, what started as a casual idea might suddenly carry real pressure. If one person isn’t on the same page anymore, it can bring confusion and hurt.
Pro: You’ve already built trust.
Most pact partners are close friends first, and that means you’ve already seen how they behave in hard times—not just during the honeymoon phase of getting to know someone. There’s value in knowing how someone handles stress, failure, family chaos, and late-night life crises. That kind of trust isn’t easy to find or replace.
Con: The timing might feel forced.
Even if both of you are still single when 40 rolls around, that doesn’t mean it’s the right time, or the right reason, to get married. You might feel obligated rather than excited. Doing something just because you said you would years ago can end up feeling more like a box-tick than a choice made with genuine energy or love.
Pro: You might grow into something real.
There are plenty of stories where pact marriages or relationships actually work out beautifully. Sometimes, what starts as friendship really does grow into love with time and maturity. If both people enter the relationship with clear eyes and open hearts, it can work. It just takes honesty, communication, and mutual excitement, not just obligation.
Con: Other potential partners might pick up on it.
If you’re still close with your pact person, and especially if you’ve spoken about it publicly, new partners might feel like they’re in competition with a ghost future. That can make them wary of committing fully. It can also raise trust issues if you’re not completely transparent. A backup marriage plan can unintentionally come across as a red flag, even if it’s innocent in your eyes.
Pro: It can be a great reminder of what truly matters.
The person you made the pact with probably shares your values, humour, and view of the world. That reminder of what truly matters—connection over chemistry—can influence the way you approach all your relationships. Even if you never go through with it, having someone in your life who’s emotionally dependable helps reinforce the idea that love isn’t just about sparks. It’s about care and compatibility too.
Con: It might delay important life decisions.
If you’re banking on your pact partner being there just in case, you might put off things like moving cities, freezing eggs, or making long-term plans that don’t include a romantic partner. It’s easy to build your future around a what if, without fully committing to what’s happening right now. That can subtly limit your choices without you realising it.
Pro and con: It’s rooted in hope, but also fear.
At its core, these pacts are about wanting love and companionship, even if you don’t find it the traditional way. That’s hopeful, and human. But they can also stem from fear: of being alone, of feeling left behind, of not measuring up to other people’s timelines. The trick is being honest about what’s driving the agreement. If it’s love and laughter, great. If it’s dread and doubt, it might be time to reassess what you really need by 40, pact or no pact.
